I Would Have Loved You Anyway
by Lola-2011
Summary: After only a year of marriage Mary and Lou are barely hanging on. Can a separation help them or will they end up divorced?
1. Chapter 1

I Would Have Loved You Anyway

Chapter:1

Pairing: Mary/Lou

Rating: PG

~May 1978~

Mary came out of her walk-in closet with an armful of clothes. She carefully laid them across the bed and began taking them off the hangers, stopping occasionally to wipe the tears from her eyes. She folded them nice and neatly before placing them in the suitcase. She did this several times until all three of her suitcases were full. She was fastening the last one when Lou came in the room.

He leaned up against the doorjamb. He wanted to be as unemotional as possible, but the truth was the doorjamb was what was holding him up. Fighting the urge to completely crumble to the ground was getting more difficult by the moment. He couldn't seem to find his words or his voice. He just stood there, watching her.

She looked up to see him in the threshold of their bedroom door and quickly looked away. She tried her best to busy herself with collecting the needed items off her vanity and placing them in her makeup case. She could feel him watching her and it made it even more difficult.

"You need any help?" he asked

Mary shook her head. "No." she replied. "I'm almost done."

"At least let me take your suitcases out to the car." he said. "It's the least I can do."

She kept her back to him and her mind focused on her packing. "Thank you."

Lou stepped inside the room and loaded all three suitcases in his arms. When they had gotten married a little over a year ago he never thought it would come to this. But here he was watching another wife walk out on him and on their marriage. He made his way down the hallway and out the back door to the garage.

Mary was trying to fight back more tears but more importantly the overwhelming need to break completely down. She wanted to leave graciously with her dignity in tact. She closed her makeup case and fastened it. She grabbed a tissue and wiped the smeared makeup from under her eyes. In the reflection of the mirror she saw Lou in the doorway. She quickly averted her eyes, stuffed the tissue in her pocket and picked up her makeup case.

Walking past him and out the door was going to be the hardest thing she ever had to do. She was struggling to gather her strength. Putting one foot in front of the other shouldn't be that hard. All she had to do was walk out the door. After all she was the one who wanted this. She was the one who wanted more than she was getting out of her marriage. Pride was a double edged sword. And one that cut deep.

He sensed her inner battle. "You don't have to do this." he told her. "You don't have to leave."

"I have to do this." she told him, taking a few steps toward him. "I'm unhappy here and I know you are too, even though you won't admit it. We need some time apart."

"I love you." it wasn't something he could always say easily, but saying it to her had become like breathing. And maybe that was part of the problem. Heavy words and empty actions. "I don't want to lose you."

Her heart was racing and tears were freely falling from her eyes. "I don't want to lose you either." she choked out. "But I can't stay, Lou."

He nodded. The sight of her crying always tugged at his heart strings, but now he was on the verge of tears as well. So much so that the light was reflecting from his eyes. "I trust you." he said, reaching out for her. "I know that you'll make the best decision for us."

He pulled her closer to him, enveloping her in his arms. She buried her face in his shoulder, finding momentary comfort in his strong arms. If only everything was that simple. If only everything could be fixed with the warmth of his arms around her. "I hope so." she pulled back to look at him. "I really do love you." she half smiled. "And I really want this to work, Lou. I don't know what I would do without you in my life."

"You'd managed." he wiped away a few of her fallen tears. "You're strong and resilient, you're going to be just fine."

"This is the hardest thing I've heard had to do."

"And it may end up being the best." he wanted her to be happy. He wanted to be with her, but more than anything he wanted her to be happy. Even if that meant they couldn't be together. "I have a feeling we're going to come out of this on top."

Hope danced in her eyes. "You really think so?"

"Yeah." he lied. "I think so."

Mary leaned in and softly kissed him. He held her to him, not wanting her lips to part form his. After several long seconds he reluctantly let her go. "I guess this is goodbye for now."

"Not goodbye." she whispered. "Never goodbye."

"See you around then, huh?"

"Yeah." she breathed out, pulling completely away from him. "I'll call you."

Their marriage was barely over a year old. There was no courtship. There was no romancing. They had lost their jobs at the station and in their parting grief they up and decided to get married. He loved her, she loved him. They were friends, they had a great time together, and in so many ways it was like they had been in a relationship for years. All good qualities they thought would give a marriage a solid foundation.

They had found that they really did love each other the way all husbands and wives should. They had trust and respect and devotion. They were wonderful together on so many levels. And completely awful on others. Talking their feelings through wasn't always the easiest thing to do, but they managed rather well. But the last three months things had been terribly amiss. An unexpected pregnancy had ended up as a heartbreaking miscarriage. And Mary had clammed up and pushed him away. She busied herself with work and it left very little time for her marriage.

Mary had managed to miss all the signs of being hit on. Of being shamelessly flirted with. Or maybe she hadn't. Maybe she had enjoyed the attention that John Greene, the new producer at channel six, was showering her with. Maybe it was easier to be around someone who knew next to nothing about your life.

But John knew that Mary was married. He knew it. He just didn't seem to care. He kissed her. Right there in the middle of her office on a Tuesday afternoon he kissed her. And from that moment on everything spiraled out of control.

tbc...

Feedback is welcomed :)


	2. Chapter 2

I Would Have Loved You Anyway

Chapter: 2

Pairing: Mary/Lou

Rating: PG

It had been about a month since Mary had moved out and into a furnished apartment across town. The apartment had a rather cold feeling to it. It was bare and undecorated for the most part. When she moved in she never bothered to add any personal touches. After all she hadn't planned on staying all that long. A month seemed like a lifetime. His words echoed in her head. And more often that she liked to admit.

"_You don't have to do this." he told her. "You don't have to leave."_

She and Lou were suppose to be working on their problems but so far the only thing were managing to do was avoid each other. And at this point they were both fearing the absolute worst even though no one would dare say it. Not even their family and friends.

They had met for lunch once, but instead of really talking to each other they talked about the things that were going on around them. The last three months of their marriage had been either long silences or loud battles. They were to the point where they would just argue to argue because anger was the only emotion they could display easily. And they had to do something to release their feelings.

The moment that John had kissed her she was finally able to admit that her marriage was in serious trouble. It wasn't so much the kiss as it was the thought that being with someone other than Lou actually crossed her mind however fleeting the thought was. And it scared the hell out of her. That evening she went home to Lou and basically broke down. That weekend she moved out of their house.

_Mary was in tears when she entered their house. After the initial shock of John kissing her wore off she realized that the entire ordeal was probably her fault. She knew John well enough and he wouldn't have kissed her if he didn't think she was interested in him. And she wasn't interested in him. But maybe, just maybe, she was interested in the attention he was willing to offer her. She immediately found Lou and told him what happened._

"_What do you mean he kissed you?"_

_Telling him was the right thing to do. "He kissed me." she repeated. "We were sitting on the sofa in my office going over the production schedule and he leaned in and kissed me."_

"_The nerve of some people." he mumbled. "He knows you're married."_

"_And that's not even the worst part, Lou."_

_Oh, God, he thought, there's more. "What happened?"_

"_Well I...I." she was struggling. "I kissed him back."_

"_Generally that's a natural response." he said. "Did something else happen? Did you try something with you?"_

"_No." she was starting to cry. "I practically threw him out of my office."_

_Lou nodded. "Good." he breathed out. "Do you want me to talk to him?"_

"_No." she replied, still crying. _

"_Then what's wrong?"_

"_I, uh, God, this is so hard..." she trailed off. "I kind of enjoyed the kiss."_

_Lou didn't know what to say. He didn't even know what he was feeling at the moment. Confusion clouded his brain. "What are you trying to say, Mary?"_

"_I don't know." she replied, honestly. "I just know that things aren't the same between us. And they haven't been for a while now."_

"_I know they haven't." he said. "So what do you want to do? You wanna talk about things? You want to see a counselor?"_

_Mary was silent for several long moments. "I think I just need some time." she told him. "I think I need to be alone for a while."_

"_What does that mean?"_

"_I'm going to move out, Lou." she said. "Just until I can sort things out."_

_He just shook his head. "Must have been one hell of a kiss."_

_Mary nodded. "He kissed me the way you should." said, softly. "The way you use to. And it made me realize just how bad things are. Our marriage isn't what it should be, it isn't what either of us deserve. Something that should have brought us closer together only pushed us apart. And it's my fault, I know it is. I'm just asking you for some time to sort out my feelings."_

"_Take as much time as you need." he said, turning his bak to leave the room. "Just don't expect to walk through that door as easily as you're going to walk out."_

There was a knock at the door and Mary crossed the room to open it. Rhoda was standing on the other side with her infant son in a baby carriage. "Sorry we're early, Mare." she pushed the carriage into the livingroom. "I have a million things to do today at the store and I thought I would get an earlier start."

"It's perfectly alright." she closed the door. "I need to get some groceries and then I thought Richie and I would go to the park."

She sat the diaper bag down on the coffee table. "Sounds like fun." she smiled. "I can't thank you enough for watching him on such short notice. With David being out of town and Hemple's under construction everything has been crazy."

Mary lifted the cubby, dark haired, five month old out of the carriage. "No worries." she said, kissing his round, puffy cheek. "We're going to have a great time, aren't we sweetheart?" Richie cooed at the attention his Aunt Mary lavished him with.

Rhoda smiled at the two of them."I'll be back as soon as I can, but don't count on anything before five o'clock." she told her. "Maybe we can have some lunch this afternoon." she suggested. "It'll give us a chance to talk."

She knew what Rhoda meant. And as much as she didn't really want to she knew that she had to. Dancing around the topic of her separation wasn't going to get her anywhere. "Okay." she agreed. "We do need to catch up."

"You've been working too much." she said. "I feel like I never see you anymore. You should slow down and take some time for yourself."

"We've just been busy." she replied. "Channel six is a much biggest station."

"I know, but I feel like you're throwing yourself into your work." she told her. "And I don't like not having my best friend around. It almost feels like I'm still in New York."

"We'll have lunch this afternoon and catch up, I promise. Richie and I will come by and pick you up around noon." Mary told her. "I really do need you, Rhoda. I just haven't wanted to deal with everything."

"I know, kid." she said, softly. "The sooner you do though the better you'll feel."

The morning went by rather quickly. Mary and Richie ran a few errands and then made their way across town to the park. It was early May and the weather was absolutely perfect. Not too cold, not too hot. And lots of bright sunshine. She pushed the carriage along the greenway for awhile. She needed some time to sort out her thoughts, to really think things out. Something she had been avoiding.

When Richie started to get a little fussy they headed for the swings. Mary lifted the baby out of the carriage and placed him in the infant swing. It was then that she heard a familiar little voice, one that was getting louder and louder as he approached her. "Hi, Mary." five year old Billy smiled.

Mary smiled back at the little blonde headed boy. "Hi, Billy." she gave Richie a slight push. "Are you here with mommy?"

"No, granddaddy." he said. "Mommy and daddy took my sisters to a birthday party. One filled with girls."

"Icky girls, huh?" she smiled.

"Uh huh." he made a face. "Very icky!"

Mary gave the swing another small push. "Where is granddaddy?"

Billy looked around until he spotted Lou on the bench. "He's over there." he told her. "He's tired from my tee ball practice."

"Sounds like you've had a busy morning."

"Very busy." he said. "Where's Aunt Rhoda?"

"She had to work." she replied. "So I agreed to watch Richie."

Billy looked over at the baby. "Can I play with him?"

"Sure." Mary stopped the swing and lifted the baby out. "We'll go sit down on the bench."

Mary placed Richie back in this carriage and the made their way over to where Lou was sitting. He looked a little rough around the edges, a five o'clock shadow covered his face, and he had this sadness about him. A sadness that even playing with Billy didn't even seem to take away. In fact she wasn't entirely sure he saw her approach. "Lou?"

He looked up from under his ball cap. "Hi, Mary." he gave her the best smile he could, but it was weak at best. "Fancy meeting you here."

"Billy spotted us." she took Richie out of his carriage and sat down next to him, placing the baby in her lap. "He wanted to play with Richie."

Lou looked at the baby and smiled. Truly smiled this time. And for a brief moment he thought about the baby he and Mary had lost. He wondered if she ever thought about it too, especially when she was with Richie. "Cute little guy." he said. "Be gentle with him, Billy."

Billy was sitting on the other side of Mary, occupying the baby with some toys from his carriage. "I am."

Mary felt like her heart was sinking in her chest. There was so much she wanted to say, so much she needed to say. It was apparent now more than ever. She wasn't the only one hurting and she could see that now. They needed to be alone. And they needed to take things one step at a time. "Do you have plans for dinner?"

"No." he replied, glancing down at his watch. "I have to take Billy home around four and I thought I would stop Mac's and grab a quick bite."

"Why don't you come over to my...to the apartment and have dinner with me." she suggested. "I have Richie until about five."

"I'd like that."

"Really?" she asked. "You'll really come?"

"Yeah, of course." he said. "Around six?"

Mary nodded. "Six would be great."

tbc...


	3. Chapter 3

I Would Have Loved You Anyway

Chapter: 3

Pairing: Mary/Lou

Rating: PG-13

Rhoda had just picked Richie up and Mary was starting to prepare dinner. She wanted everything to be perfect, well as close to perfect as she could get. She wanted tonight to be special. She wanted it to be a step in the right direction for them. Even if that meant bringing up painful things from the past.

_Mary had played about ten different scenarios over in her head while drive home from work. And almost all of them had the same outcome. Lou would be upset and she would be in tears. In fact she was in tears now just thinking about it. A pregnancy wasn't something that they had planned, it was something that she was actively preventing. But apparently not well enough. _

_Lou was asleep on the sofa when she got home. She seriously considered not waking him. She also seriously considered not telling him until she got a better handle on her emotions. But that could take a very long time. And she knew she couldn't hide her pregnancy forever. _

_She did her best to wipe at her tears as she sat down on the coffee table."Lou." she placed her hand on his shoulder and gently nudged him. "Wake up."_

_He stirred a little under her touch. "What time is it?" he never opened his eyes. "I can't believe I made it home before you did. Where you been?"_

"_Sitting in my office, thinking." _

_His eyes opened. "Thinking about what?" he asked. "You've been crying."_

_She was about to bite the bullet. It was better just to tell him now and get it over with she decided. "Thinking about how to tell you I'm pregnant."_

_He was quiet and she was fearing the worst. Silence lingered for a few long moments. Moments that felt like a lifetime to her. "Well." he breathed out. "What did you come up with?"_

"_I thought about not telling you." she replied. "And once I realized that probably wasn't a viable option I thought just coming right out with it would be best."_

_Lou nodded. "I think so too." he said, sitting up. "You know how I like things to be straight forward and direct." he reached for her hand. "A baby, huh? We weren't planning this, were we?"_

"_Planning?" she repeated. "Don't you think you would have been in on the planning?"_

_He shrugged. "I figured that was more your department." he said. "But I don't remember you saying anything about wanting to have a baby."_

"_That's because I didn't."_

"_You didn't?" he repeated. "You didn't say anything or you didn't want a baby?"_

"_I didn't say anything." she clarified. "I also didn't plan on having a baby. It was...a surprise."_

"_So you're not happy?" he asked. "You don't want to do this?"_

"_It's not that I don't want to." she started. "It's just that I'm scared. You know how nice and neatly I like things planned out. And besides I was unsure of how you were going to take the news."_

_Lou nodded. "Did you think I would be mad?"_

"_I wasn't sure."_

"_How can I be mad?" he asked. "It takes two to make a baby."_

"_I can't believe you're okay with this."_

"_Maybe because I just naturally assumed that you probably would want to have a baby."_

"_Then why didn't we ever talk about it?"_

"_I'm not sure." he said. "But you're pregnant now so the rest really doesn't matter. For the record I am happy. And I hope you are too."_

"_I'm sure I'll be fine once the shock wears off."_

Lou arrived at her apartment a little after six. He was clean shaven and dressed the way his wife like him to be dressed. In clean, well pressed, clothing. He presented her with a bottle of wine. The thought of flowers crossed his mind, but he didn't want to get ahead of himself. They talked a little about the events of their day as she finished making dinner.

There was an unfamiliar awkwardness between them. One that linger thickly in the air. They made small talk and light pleasantries throughout dinner. Spaghetti and meatballs, his favorite. Or so it use to be. Tonight he kind of pushed the noodles around on his plate. He really wasn't even bothered about his glass of wine.

Mary watched him intently from across the table. "Something wrong?"

"No." he raised his eyes to meet hers. "It's very good."

"Thank you." she replied. "I wasn't sure with the way you've been avoiding eating it."

Lou looked down at his plate and back up at her. "Uh, I guess I'm just not that hungry." he placed his fork down on his plate. "I haven't had much of an appetite lately." he took his napkin out of his lap and laid it on the table. "What are we doing here, Mary?"

"Well I thought we were having dinner." she said. "And I thought we were going to talk about things."

"I don't know if you've noticed but we're not really talking."

"Oh, I've noticed." she reached for her glass of wine and took a sip. "The long pauses in conversation were a dead giveaway. Question is what you do want to do about it? Do you want to sit here in silence and give up? Or do you want to start talking and fight for our marriage?"

Lou got up from the table and reached for her hand. "We're going to fight."

Her hand slid into his and she rose to her feet. "I was beginning to think you'd given up." she smiled. "I'm glad to see that I was wrong."

"I have to admit that until this afternoon giving up seemed like a really good option." he confessed. "Actually it seemed like the only option."

"I've been too stubborn to listen to reason." she said. "And that stops now. After I ran into you in the park I did a lot of thinking and I realized that leaving wasn't the best idea. But it's made me realize just how much I need you and how wrong I was for shutting you out. It put everything into perspective."

"Does that mean you're ready to talk?"

"Yes." she replied. "I'm ready."

Lou led them over to the sofa and they sat down. "I'm not trying to rush you." he told her. "I would just really like to have my wife back."

"I know." she said. "And I want to come home. I want things to go back to the way there were before everything got so out of control."

"We can pack your things and leave here tonight if you want."

"You mean that?"

"Of course." he replied. "I just want us to be open and honest with each other first. Do you think we can do that?"

"Yes."

"But first." he said as he moved closer to her. "First I have to do this." he inched in and gently kissed her lips. "Now that's much better."

Mary pulled him back to her and kissed him again. Their kiss was soft and slow and sweet. "That's more like it." she said, pulling hack. "I've missed you so much."

"I've missed you too." he said. "I didn't like being in our house all alone."

"I've hated it here." she confessed. "I've spent most of my evenings at the office and at Rhoda and Dave's."

"Well now you don't have to avoid coming home." he smiled. "Especially not when I'll be there waiting for you. I want us to start over with no secrets between us."

"I fired John." she told him. "It's not that I felt like he was a threat to our relationship, but I felt like he crossed a line that he shouldn't have and that's not the way I want to run my newsroom."

"I don't care about John." he said. "I knew that he didn't mean anything to you."

"It didn't mean anything when he kissed me either." she said. "I know that I may have implied that it did, but it didn't. Noone has ever kissed me the way you have and noone ever will."

Lou smiled. "I love you." he said. "I don't ever want you to doubt that."

"I don't." she assured him. "I never have."

"I want to talk about the baby." he said. "And I mean really talk about it because not talking about it has led us here."

Mary nodded. "I know.' she breathed out. "I'm sorry for shutting you out."

_In the nine days that she had known about her pregnancy she was beginning to warm up to the idea of being a mother. Of having another life depend on her. Having a baby with the man she loved seemed like a good idea. Like something that she actually wanted to do instead of something that just happened. But promises were shattered when fate reared its ugly head and she lost the baby._

_It had been three days. Three long, excruciating days since it happened. The doctor told her that if she miscarried this early in the pregnancy, less than eight weeks, that there was a reason. Miscarriage was a common occurrence the doctor assured her. And in a few months after she healed if they would like to try again they could. _

_Mary was in bed. And she had been there since she came home from the hospital the evening before. Bed was warm and comforting and where she wanted to be. There she didn't have to deal with the outside world. Luckily for her not too many people knew about her pregnancy. Just Rhoda and her parents. _

_Lou sat down on the edge of the bed, next to her. He was hoping that they could talk. There was so much going on in the hospital that they didn't get a chance to really talk. "Can I get you anything?"_

"_No thanks."_

"_Are you sure?"_

"_I'm fine, Lou." she insisted. _

"_I want to be here with you."_

_Mary turned over onto her side, turning her back to him. "I just want to be alone for a while."_

_He leaned over her so he could see her face. "You're not in this alone." he tried to assure her. "I love you and I want to be here for you."_

"_Please, Lou." she breathed out. "I just want to lay here alone and in silence."_

_He took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. "Fine." he said, getting up off the bed. "Just let me know if you need anything, okay." He didn't get a reply of any kind. So he did just what she asked him to. He left their bedroom. Little did he know it would be one of the biggest mistakes in their relationship. _

_When he left the tears finally came. Sure she had cried when the miscarriage happened. He had cried too. They cried together. But now she was alone and she was finally able to let all of it out. She felt like it was something that she had to do alone. And so she did. The next morning she got up, got ready for the day, and closed the door on that particularly painful chapter of her life. _

Lou pulled her closer to him. "I know that you were scared about having a baby in the first place." he said. "But you seemed to be warming up to the idea."

"I was getting used to the idea." she admitted. "And after I lost the baby I felt guilty because when I found out I was pregnant it was the last thing I wanted. I was caught completely off guard. I kind of felt like it was punishment."

"The doctor said it wasn't your fault." he reminded her. "Sometimes these things just happen."

"At the time I knew that in my head, but not in my heart." she confessed. "It just hurt too much."

"And now?"

"And now I know it just wasn't meant to be." she said. "Everything happens for a reason."

"Do you want to try again?" he asked. "Do you want to have baby?"

"I don't know how to answer that."

Lou nodded. "Just be honest."

"I don't think it's fair to you." she told him. "I don't think that you should have to start over. You've raised your children and you have grandchildren. To start all over with a pregnant wife and then a newborn would be terribly unfair to you."

"I don't think it would be all that unfair." he said. "What would be unfair is denying you the chance to have a child simply because I already have children. So the only real question here is, do you want to have a baby?"

"Yes." she said, without hesitation. "I don't think I realized how much until after I had the miscarriage. I thought that point in my life had passed me by, but I realized it hadn't. I would like to try again."

"I think that's fair enough."

"Yeah, I just can't believe it took this long for me to want to talk about it.' she told him. "Makes the past few months seem kind of pointless."

"Hindsight is twenty-twenty." he said. "But I think we've learnt a very important lesson here."

"I think so too." she replied. "No matter what's going on we should always be open and honest with each other. I love you, very much."

"I love you, too." he said. "For the first time in a long time everything feels right. I mean I know we have some things to still work through, but this is a really good start. I feel like we're going to make it after all." he said. "In fact I'm starting to get my appetite back."

Mary smiled. "I'll reheat dinner."

Finished.


End file.
